Merely to breathe was enjoyment; and I derived positive pleasure even from many of the legitimate sources of pain. I felt a calm but inquisitive interest in every thing. With a cigar in my mouth and a newspaper in my lap, I had been amusing myself for the greater part of the afternoon, now in poring over advertisements, now in observing the promiscuous company in the room, and now in peering through the smoky panes into the street.



Edgar Allan Poe - The Man Of The Crowd.

THE HANGMAN - MAURICE OGDEN

‘The Hangman’ (1964) by Paul Julian

The Hangman’ is a cynical look at how humankind loves to feed others into the death machine, from a disturbing poem by Maurice Ogden, read by Herschel Bernardi.

15/03/11

Nothing is devoid of hope, for all the colours radiate
all the everything has shape and brightness.
Hidden in neon signs and glaring billboards lies the one and only.
We are not far from knowing inwardness as Mondrian says, we have just forgotten how to look for it.
It lies in every external appearance and smiles back at me through a gentle breeze.

26/1/11

The multitudes of human personality and movement,
glittering gold as bright as the sun.
It makes me smile when people laugh, playing like children, thoughtless and free.
We grow up and forget the sandcastles, we grow up and become temp employees in jobs that aren't worth the money they exchange our personality for
we grow up and forget ourselves, but the great shaking laughter still resides in the soul
in the minds of what we wanted to be
our eyes filled with the wonder that follows a first kiss with someone whom you could run through wars with and know their grip on your hand will not falter.

Let me stay alive so that i may know moments forever, let the smiles never fade and the laughter become dull. Let me stay alive so the seconds that run by all too quickly slow and last for eternities.

Life is a brilliant, fleeting moment, on a normal day
that is stretched out for years and then suddenly eclipsed
like the peaceful shutting of an eye for sleep.

25/1/11

The largest puzzle set before us with every piece a mystery but a whole lifetimes worth of guessing and learning and smiling and laughing and being before us. We are cruel to life for expecting it to love us, when we owe it more than any of us can ever hope to repay.

I DON'T LOVE YOU.

Genius.

Caverns

we were young lovers in the grandest of the sense, all wrapped up in discovering what made our clocks tick and what the shelves of our mind kept tightly held
rummaging through the books of ideas and loose papers of dreams that littered the floors and walls of our spacious cavities.
we stopped every now and then to see how each other were doing, gazing in our respective eyes to make it known we had dug deep enough to find even more diamonds than we ever thought possible.
like snow angels we lay amongst polaroids of childhood memories and kissed deep kisses
whilst above us all the smiles that have ever set themselves in stone across our face shone down in their vast colour
gently illuminating.







.
MMX

Hell and Reason - Groping Through The Darkness (The Truth Of The Sun)

O ruined piece of nature! What a terror we've created.
Your face now bares the wickedness of modern man.

And now that soils cyanide,
the skies too black to take a breath,
and man's become a walking corpse,
whom thinks he has illuded death.

And I was placed upon this tragic (fools) stage,
but soon my infant tears had turned to rage.
Many like me have fallen from humanities reach
but I am no ones martyr.

Are we the ruined and ritualized?
The sociopathic socialized?
Is humankind a dying parasite?

And now the soils cyanide,
the skies too black to take a breath,
and man's become a walking (working) corpse whom thinks he has illuded death.

But I was born to breath,
and I have learned to see.
I'll tear out these tainted eyes.

The fact this band are influenced one of my favourite Authors, Albert Camus made them full of fucking WIN even before I read these eloquent fuck yea lyrics.

2 awesomes in one Band? FUCK.

go listen, I dont know the short link so here's the too-full-of-gibberish long one for your tired eyes.
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=415793517

x

My heart long ago realised that this house was not a home
So where am I to rest?
if home is where the heart is, then where shall I find my bed

No here amongst the daily dying with their rotting stress
not here amongst the nervous breakdowns with lives lead in past tense
not here amongst these caring strangers, whom i'm supposed to know; but whose priorities lay in bottomless bottles, petty acts and ex-wives across the road

I am made from substance that will not break,
but now has a tendency to rust
with every passing storm my shell ever more becomes a husk

I once heard a line that said "i'm destined to alone"
reminded me of how i'm forever sleeping on & testing different floors to see if I can call them home
so I can finally begin to learn lessons that I should already know

to have someone take a lasting and concrete parental influence in my life
without any prior addictions or suicidal days
that have taken up nearly 20 years of my time.

my heart long ago realised that this house has never been a home.

Teenage outpourings

I was looking through the many Documents that litter my Desktop and I found one containing loads of the 'poetry' I'd writtin in 2006, interesting really.
Enjoy, tell me what you think
I'm actually quite impressed with some of them although they all reek very much of Wes Eisold.

1.
boys and girls, youre lost to the world
you can scream and shout but there aint no words
to describe how so far this life has let you down,
so we're sitting on long train journeys to distant towns
just hoping to see something we've never seen
trying to feel alive
cos youve never understood such a thing.

lonely days and wasted nights
lifes two way streets lead the dead end fights
misfits misfits, you'll never make it through..

..the days chances are
but the feelings arent new.


2.
A gutter-street kid from a backwater town
all loved up or yesterdays
with a thorn in the crown
pulling smiles through broken teeth
reeling back from shots from shots of disbelief

just say that again?
what's going on?

there's poison in my veins
so i put my heart in the song
cos lately ive been feeling all 'left for dead'
graveyard beds for headached heads.

And heaven aint feeling too holy today
So There's nothing you could do to change my sick-6-6 faith
anyway, the church was locked from the start
so it looks like im too late!.


3.
Just say it to yourself kid you'll make it through
you always do
learning about falsities
ain't nothing ever true?

one day we'll stay the same
defy everyone and carve in our names
too young to die
and my reason cant disprove that however hard i've tried

belief aint fact and this books just fiction !?
what does 'jesus' know about life anyway he's never done anything wrong!

so if you dont believe in holy rollers then sing it out loud
you can keep your johns + lukes and the rest of the holy crowd

cos im going home back to my bed
and im not gonna think about you
or life after death.


4.

Woe betide the lovers & their loved, for you'll never know a pain as great as this.
You'll never know the heights you soar
You'll never know the depths you plummet
When someone owns your soul.

Becuase what's love if not an utter dependance on the thing you hate most.
And you hate it, you do.
Becuase no-one else has you like they do.

And If you had to name the noose that gripped your neck it'd be theirs.

Woe betide the lovers & their loved.

5.
when there's too many words what can you say.
my memories have turned on me
changing sides & swapping lanes,
vultures circling my thoughts whilst picking out my brain

right now i'd sink
i'm not a good swimmer

it's funny how dark your days can seem
when the light at the end of the tunnel is a beauty queen
passing days like no--one cares
whilst the my general public heart just stops and stares.
i fall in love with every girl i see

we're not what we used to be
the record stopped a long time ago
but i'm forcing it to play

every night, in my head
over & over till my thoughts are dead

you've really done it this time



I wish I could still write like this, but i've become far too rational and my passion for Heartbreak just isn't the same.

I would esteem it an honour if you gave me feedback
honestly, I really want to know what people think of these :)
please haha.


X

I watch her wings unfold
beneath these city lights
in all my endless nights
she calls me home
every day I hear that siren sing
whilst I chase her through my memories
her Ghost, she haunts me
and now I can't sleep

In her eyes I feel that time is stopped
bright labyrinths displaying all i've lost
caught amongst these glowing neon signs
so she consumes me

I've found my black heart queen
she sucks the blood from every vein
to all the pretend Halos that she brings
I mutter obsession is a terrible thing
still she eludes me.


so run on girl, never leave me
still haunt me
still sing your song
just please let me get some sleep




something I found in one of my many Notebooks
x

Daniel Kitson

Went to go see my favourite comedian yesterday, he was absolutely phenomenal.
At times I thought his performance lulled but he brought it back constantly every time with whimsy tales of homeward bound melancholy which combined philosophy & an urgent pure longing.
He makes me realise (and i certainly have over the past months) that everyone is the same, our fundamental combining value is that we have all been chucked in at the deep end unwittingly and unknowing. We all have to make do with the things we have,
"we're all here together"
He had the look of an aging indie kid who was slowly becoming his fathers personality, he's in that perfect stage between fatherly certainty and boyish curiousity where his knowledge is secure but he still has that glint in his eyes and the bouncy knees of a young child let free on the world.
"i'm not sure about you but my erection isn't robust enough to handle an onslaught of existentialism" was probably one of the best jokes ive ever heard from him.

Mannn Another Breath AND Daniel Kitson in one day?
life you do spoil me sometimes.
A whole world of existent possibilities opened up to me by the safe warmth of a cultural sanctuary
Manchester Royal Exchange Theatre F T W.

it has re-peaked my interest in the arcane and the wonderful after they were disappointingly rationalised down to nothing by Plato and Phenomenology.
I'm going back to appreciating the beauty in life god damnit!

Daniels attitude to life is very much the same as mine, feeling that every moment is just a space to filled before we die, constantly trying to experience more things to shove into the abyss to stop it's waters from rising up to inevitably drown us.
Life becomes irreducable in its vastness and I, the perverbial messiah am left with but a plastic spade on a beach digging and filling two adjacent holes just trying to make good on the bet my mother placed in her womb. That someday the price of conception would pay off and the child would be something meaningful.

My everyday is your everyday aswell.

good night sweet life, until tomorrow.
May this never go away, let the smiles never fade.
x

Shallow Graves

Father I know that you've witnessed a darkness in me
Twas spawned in shadows of the old gallow's tree
I'm but a sad depraved reflection of our inhumanity
The warped exaggeration of the lost and darkest of dreams

Bring forth a wrath of cleansing fire
Here now in mankind's bleakest hour

Born of a casket I'm the heir to a corpse
I've eyes that see maggots through the thin flesh they bore
I shall bloody my hands til the last breath be torn from me
So blindly we walk the winds of these plaged streets
Dead the once feeling part of me

O lord divine please break this silence
Destroy your race of faceless liars

At the edge of existence
We the clays of intention have ripened in your image
Ah the binds of tradition
Your archaic deception numbs our empty beings
City that stands on a million graves
In a world full of hatred to fear enslaved
Countless the dead slaughtered in your name
Not a utter of your voice have you once repaid

No above no below just a man letting go
When all my earthly desire is disowned
No screaming sirens should sound
No revelations profound
Simply lowered into the ground
That's just what I'll be dead in the dirt
So blindly we walk the winds of these plagued streets
Dead the once feeling park of me

Bring forth a wrath of cleansing fire
Here now in mankinds bleakest hour
O lord divine please break this silence
Destroy your race of faceless liars
Necropolis

The Black Dahlia Murder - Necropolis

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iczD6VMBwqY


x

Anis Mojgani & Talib Kweli

Always been into spoken word, but never delved properly into it's Sea.
I think, after watching these two It's time I did as I wanted to set up a Spoken Word society.

Anis Mojgani is fucking incredible. Got the sort of existenialism & emotion is his words that I can't get enough of.

"Am I something? and the answer comes....
Already Am
Always was
And I still have time to be"

I don't see you when I look up to the sky, nothings there
it's just blue, a wonderful, glowing azure blue
but amongst the fluffy clouds and endless expansion I don't see you.

I would rather look down at the ground and know you are buried safe, as decaying is the most royal of ends
let the worms feast on the body that housed such immeasurable talent
let it all fall out and away to earth.

We climb the highest mountains but in the end we end up 6ft below ground
time makes even the best of men decay
Kings & Servants
side by side.

Dead Monarchs

Still residing but slowly rotting.
Torn under the tide of life, stuck in two minds, neither of them love.
Too many missed chances to count.
Wandering around the ruin of their Gormanghast lamenting a long dead Queen Mother
crooked Crowns upon their heads filled the half-forgotten but ever present regrets of yesterday.
And to a Queen who's compassion longed for flight? she now sits but as a Bird in a cage, one who harks sentiments she's not even sure are true. Shouting at confused kids who themselves are still stutter stepping between the pews.
This, our castle, an unholy temple to the richness of lifes faults.
Sinking slowly further into the belly of the beast.
Whom can repair the holes in time which fate has forged?

While the King is breaking down trying to fix his Throne with the madness and delusion that ever rots his soul, my Queen is seeing Ghosts and crying out to let go.

Both microcosms of the terrible side of insecurities.
Both suffering from that incurable Cancer of the soul.
Both dying from the Nausea

Falling upon cold stone floors clutching wild-eyed heads in bony hands, riddled with the greatest disease that can ever forsake a person, remembrance of past decisions and the images of their tombs.
I left her crying out to a God she desperately wants to believe is there, desperately tells me she wants to go to, but doesn't deserve.

The Bathroom smelt like piss again, probably because she's incapable of not wetting herself when she gets drunk.

x

Heaven's Unholy

I don't sleep 'til about 4am these days
so i write songs.
This is a work in progress for my solo stuff
it's about my ever fading relationship with my father.
Hello Songs To Scream At The Sun part 2.

Heavens Unholy

there once was boy that you all you know
his Dad carried him on his back whilst they played in the snow
but just like those leaves that they did soon collect
distance has broken them and they've fallen into neglect
today he's stuck burying his hero's and sleeping in shallow graves
because he can't even remember if there ever were any golden days
it's never been the same since that fateful evening
so he falls to his knees and sings

oh, father
oh, father i've sinned can't you tell
oh, holy mother
oh, holy mother, i've lost him and now i have more faith in hell.

please just nail me up because i'm not coming home
ive got someone elses blood on my hands and a shaking in my bones.
because my father sent me forth without a description
now this messiah is committing sins like he's got an addiction
if i ever get back to heaven it'll be with holes in my soul
stutter-stepping drunk because i'm so afraid of growing old
and very lost with the weight of the mortal world
i was never meant for this awful world.

And heaven ain't feeling too holy today
there's nothing you could do to change my sick-6-6 faith
under the gaze of midday tv i'm watching you grow old
feeling the frustration filled rot slowly take its toll
now my God who 'art in front of channel 7
I feel i'll never really know
so when i get to 6ft down i'll just keep digging until i find my home




more soon

also a joint review with my good friend Diamondsyndrome is coming on the recent fantastic Have Heart gig in Leeds :)
stay tunedz

nightx

Everyday I perish,
everyday I am crucified for all my sins
I string myself up & cut through.
the worst pain is that which a man inflicts upon himself
I bear the brunt of my own arrows
I commit hari-kiri in every aching mindset
just to continually want to stand strong
just to continually want to change
to pro-create
to cure the cursed imperfections which crawl through my twitching veins
which is the worst mockery of all the years
the reminders of all the blows I have given myself
my failures relfecting back at me in a thousand fairground mirrors
and yet still I stand, like the statue who wishes to move.
I am my own poison
I am my own antidote

CALLING ALL CREATIVE TYPES.

I'VE FINISHED COLLEGE, IT'S TIME TO GET 1D4L GOING.
IF YOU ARE AN ARTIST / WRITER OR JUST HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT ANYTHING AND YOU WANT TO CONTRIBUTE THEN LET ME KNOW! I'M MAKING A ZINE!

I NEED YOUR HELP!

like this little beauty from my friend Benji!

No Time/No Reason

no time like time past
envious of yet to come
the skies were brighter
the load was lighter
and general joy was more common
for no reason that is clear

no breath like the last
before we knew what was to come
clinging on to little hopes
so we don't hang ourselves with ropes
and we make blind remarks
for no reason that is clear

no fall like the fast
broken in two and far apart
so we change the subject and our ways
thinking of better days
and never again will this be the same
for no reason that is clear

no thoughts like the old
ageing in peace and content
not worrying about what is to come
only what has been done
and that cannot be change
for no reason that is clear

no one like the lost
never far or close enough
still clinging on to what could have been
still remembering what was seen
when joined in company but now broken
for no reason that is clear

no dreams like ours
they help the clock to turning
if good or otherwise
they make us smile with false hope and lies
and know us better then we can admit
for no reason that is clear

no joy like the warmth
of others or the sun
though we want that what we need the least
or think we do and so we feast
and distract ourselves from the faults
for no reason that is clear

no days like the done
for no reason that is clear
my dear


brilliant stuff
Get Creative!
x

I'm happy Everyday Hell broke up.

All the kids with with all their normal everyday lives, smiling thoroughly
& by that I mean not just forcing it through yellowing teeth.
Where Love is something that is taken for granted and only to beheld in special occasions when the boredom of seeing it everyday wears off.

Instead of something that is chased down alleyways and dug to reach through burning tears beause it is so elusive and estranged.
And when it is found we hold onto it fucking tight because our dependency issues tell us we may never see it again.
Taking in every moment and cherishing every golden breath, because after it fades will come the inevitable fall back to reality.

Sometimes it's hard to "just get on it with it"

All the kids with all their normal everyday lives never had shit on us have everything on us.

x