Thursday, 30 July 2009

Cutting Ties, Changing Lives.

Lately a very close friend of mine has been converted to this whole blogging lark, a public exorcism of Demons. Because deep down inside however introverted we are we want everyone to know our problems and help us deal with them, we are all (however old we are, and I honestly believe this) scared little kids inside. We all yearn for our parents hand in helping us through this myriad of put-downs and sales techniques that is the modern world.

Anyway, in the light of her words and Ted Winkworths every amazing blog which you should ALL visit ( I decided to post mine own, not because I have anything virally urgent to say, but just because I too want the world to know my problems and think that every thought I have YOU should read.
we're all selfish.

I am going to University in September to study Fine Art & Philosophy, I can't wait for it.
When I get there I want it to be a completely new start, I want a new mindset, a new body and a new more confident character, now by hell or high water I will get this.
I want to completely cut ties with my old self and start again, I want my my past life and all it's horrible Demons to fuck off and leave me alone, the way I see i've endured enough and Unviersity is my fucking time to shine, and my God I will shine.
I've had too much fucking shit not too. Everyone I meet tells me I will be something one day and this is my time to prove them, and most importantly myself right.

Now one way for me to do this, is to tear down my old posters in my room (which you can see in the picture, which although about 3 years old, still resembles my wall) but I keep stopping myself, I keep thinking that when I come back from Uni for holidays i'm going to want to come back to some kind of room where time has stopped and everything is like it was before, but really I know I dont?
so what the hell is going on?
The only way forward is to take the step and jump off the cliff into the unknown?
but i'm stopping myself?
There's so many things about myself I don't necessarily hate but know could be better and i'm determined to change them, but by not taking these posters down i'm stopping myself. hmm
So many memories though, do I really want to condemn them to a box?
It's not even the posters themselves, it's the order they're up in, they haven't changed since I put them up some 5 something years ago
and to take them all down it's like i'm writing off all those years, it's like they suddenly ARE the past.

They represent myself from a few years ago up until around September 2008, from then on I've felt disconnected and awkward with them, they're not me anymore but i'm still clinging on.
what I gues I'm saying is, to take them down would be to admit to myself that I really am NOT the same person I was instead of just knowing it, that it's time to move on and grow the fuck up, stop being so fucking nostalgic around a past I can't get back and to look forward to the future.
If I really want to grow, some day soon they'll have to come down. They are first tie I will have to cut.

I see myself as a possibility, not an actuality.

God Damn I think too much.
Maybe they're just posters



Anonymous said...

Perhaps you've made the choice too stark and simplistic. Between 'go on as before' and 'tear up the old life and recreate myself' there's a third way, of recognising that your history is the anchor to who you are, the ground of your being, but it doesn't limit who you can become. You can grow in mindest, in confidence, in body, without tearing up all that's gone before. Take down the posters that you've outgrown to make room for new things on that wall. But keep the ones that remiond you where you've come from. Marcel Proust said, "The real act of discovery consists
not in finding new lands, but in seeing with new eyes."