Sunday, 21 June 2009

A Retrospective & Psychoanalysis

I've just finished reading one of the longest books i've read in a while, at a 'staggering' 400 pages
(My attention span really does suck, I have 21 books by the side of my bed, no joke)
and it's taught me a lot about myself and people in general which I s good as i'm always keen to better myself and learn about society.

so in the mood of that i've i thought i'd do a little retrospective on my past months drinking enlightenments and see if i can explain myself, I find psychology fascinating and hopefully you will too.

If you've been following my blog you will have been aware that the past 2 months I very majorly turned away from my 'getting wasted' mindset that occupies my friends and most of society.
At first I was seriously considering turning edge as I love the community behind it and the feeling I get from not drinking / my mother is an alcoholic. BUT as i do with everything i love (and unfortunately aswell sometimes) i can never throw myself whole-heartedly into one stereotype, i've never been able too with anything that's why i listen to every genre of music you can find, dress pretty normally and can tell you random facts about pretty much EVERYTHING. I always see both sides to a story i'd like to think which although good gets very fucking annoying when i really want to get into something but can't face the alienation that comes from pushing myself into a stereotype.
So despite finding a new respect for edge kids I have decided not to claim it.
But i have found that i can now happily go out, not drink at all and think nothing of it, which i am very happy with as if you had asked me to do that 2 months ago i would of laughed.
I love waking up and having to not try and peice together a night and know i still had a good time.
Plus I fucking HATE it when people say things like "can't wait to get fucked-up, wwwooooooo"
:/ makes no sense to me.

Ben 10
Society 0

Onto the psychoanalysis,
Over the past 6 months I have been weight-training and have become fully immersed in bodybuilding culture, I find it absolutely fascinating.
Due in part to the fact that I love bettering myself in every way possible, I think we are duty bound to be the best we can be at something / anything at all, I'm the kind of person who gets excited walking into bookstores because of all the possibilities of learning things.

Now the visible changes in my body have brought about a change in my mind predictably, i'm a lot more positive, a lot more confident (some would say overly) and a lot more arrogant about my abilties, these were all there before but just needed something like bodybuilding to bring them out as I am a traditionally very insecure kid who just needed something like this to change.
But along with all of this has come a huge drive to try and achieve something in life, and due me always rating myself on everything i do i wondered why this has come about, so here goes, brace yourself internets.

It is a fact that many high-flying business men often have had problems at home, thats where i come in. My mother is an alcoholic so i am not close to her, i am not in the slightest bit close to my father due to other reasons and i was pretty heavil bullied at school because i was quite shy / extremely pale as a kid and always looked tired.
I have always been the butt of jokes to my friends, i'm the kind of person who you can rely to make a joke about because i don't respond or react back because i'm shit at comebacks, in essence i'm the perfect target. But this is mainly because i really don't give a shit what people say, people make fun of you to make themselves feel better and as i know that why should i be offended, this comes from watching the type of people i get abused by intently and getting to know how it works.
But saying that it does get to you, there are many times when i wish i could respond but can't find the words and despite my not-giving-a-shit fascade over the years i have come to feel quite inadaquate sometimes around my friends because i never bother to abuse back because i tend to get too personal lol and i know inside i am ssooooo much better than they all are.

So, the insecurity from not having anyone to rely / look up to when growing up and the submissive nature when being bullied have built within me a burning drive to want to be noticed for my abilities and find people that are willing to put the attention into me my parents never have been able to.
As I explained to my ex-gf when trying to explain why i felt the need to ring her every single day even after we'd broken up

"what it all boils down to is the fact that my foundations were built in sand and yours seem steadfast in concrete. Whereas i am likely to keep running from a past i make worse in my head with every day you will stay calm and get angry when you wonder what the fuck i am doing flitting about so much. I can't stop, I can't ever stop, because if i do then my past has a chance to catch up with me and i am back where i started, a scared insecure little kid who is haunted by so many many ghosts. Please understand"

these are what my demons have dug up in me
how about you?

if you don't know your weakenesses you won't ever properly know your true-strengths.



elionora said...

there's so much of this that just touched my heart, especially recognizing parts of you that reflect mine. you seem to have struggled so much with what happened in your childhood and probably into today but you also seem to be figuring yourself and gaining knowledge on how to make yourself better, whether that be emotional, physical, or mental. but i really am glad to know you don't feed into other people's insecurities with making fun of you, you're an amazing stranger and anyone who doesn't appreciate the wonderful of you, doesn't really need you to waste your energy on returning the negativity... even if it's all in good fun. there's still a world to figure out, deal with, experience, and love... i hope you continue on this path with open arms, open mind, and an open heart.

oh and dreamboat, i found this more than just interesting.