Monday, 9 November 2009

1:22Am



Are you ever worried what is becoming of you
or just confused as to where it has come to from.

I became Edge to become a more disciplined person, to keep myself away from temptations & to focus more on my intellectual development.
I thought it might be the catalyst to a world of other emotions, hell I was right.
It's like Edge has been the crowbar forcing open Pandoras box.
This happened all too quickly, literally within the first week I achieved the results I wanted.
So i'm faced with this weird Christmas-come-early kind of situation where i've now got everything I wanted after 10 or so years of trying to find it.
I have changed a lot, I know that & i'm still wondering what to make of it.
I know it's a good thing don't get me wrong i'm not complaining about this hell no! I love me nowadays but it's a very strange sensation when you can feel yourself change.

I'm not used to the level of order & strength that's emerged, I always knew it was there but it's never come to the forefront of me before.

But i'm worried I could take it too far, essentially become a Robot of Order & Routine. Somedays I can feel it happening and it's scary.
I just don't want to feel nauseous anymore, it's ruled my life far too much, that terrible feeling of being scared of everything. And I think this new found order is my escape by letting something else, something far greater and outside of me rule my life for once which is something i've longed for for so many fucking years. I hated raising myself and what I thought had ended actually never did.
All the qualities i've ever loved I've forged in myself because literally no-one in my life has shown me how to be, this is just a further extension.
we'll see, part of me wants to erase all my emotions and just become a droid, care about the things I want to care about & not interact with anything else
But I know that's stupid but it's very, very alluring at the moment.

I can't describe the feeling, it's like my insides are made of steel, and I am rigid & upright, none moving & still. It's brilliant but confusing as I've always, always had problems with motivation and organisation.

You have to excuse my emotional scribblings, when I get tired I get like this.
Everything is exaggerated, everything is meaningful, everything sucks
tomorrow I'll wake up and be right as rain.

Anyway, I'm sure it'll be fine

Part of it has come from Philosophy, I have become a deduction machine, wrought to tear apart and find answers. But i've followed the works of Plato, Hume & Husserl and they have led me to do this in a very deductive Cartesian way.
I see something, I realise what it is
I remove assumptions about said thing
I look at its form, its colour, texture etc
I know that these are parts that make up a whole
I remove the parts in my mind and get the very core
Here is where the foundation of knowledge lies.

This
Then that
Then this
Then that
Then answer.
Done.

Monotonous.

Order & Routine are my new Toys.
I enjoy their company & my ability to turn them on and off at will.

x

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