Hossin'

It's 2am
and I started writing:
I am always running, always running from everything
trying to escape that feeling that something inside of me is inescapable,
it's like a heavy weight in the pit of your stomach that you know is always there
you can always feel it, it's there and it's scary
imagine a monster that you hate, in your stomach.
weighing you down with something you cant quite put your finger on
i wish i could personify it, I feel it every fucking day without fail.
it makes me want to get up, go outside and do the craziest thing i can think of
but then my fear kicks in and i get scared and dont do it
then i get frustrated with myself.
i love hearing random information from fringe friends, you know the ones who you know but not well
like detailed explanations on conspiracy theories that you only thought you knew about, blurting out of a mouth you always considered would never know anything in the least bit like that
the feeling that every night in a new memory gained, and every night just spent alive is worth it, that these nights wont ever stop, that the whole of life will be like this.
hearing love stories from ghosts
who have their own lives that you never care about
everyone is living, all at the same time and no one is different from you at all
you just never care to ask how they are
and im the worst, solitary, extremely confident but mega-shy.
i think i need new friends but then i back down and go back into myself where im not really bothered.
life doesnt make sense tonight,
i want to be on the edge of something, i have to learn to reconcile my fear with the good feeling that fear brings, but always after i go home and think about what should have been done
maybe its just me and this world really doesnt give a fuck.
who am i to urge people to live when half the time i dont.

but then again
these are the nights i should treasure, because as i said
these nights, are every night.